Few jokes to lighten up your mood if you had a terrible day! 😂
1. The real pirate
A pirate walks into a bar, sits down and orders a drink. The bartender is amazed by this, seeing an actual pirate. So he asks;
“Is that a real hook on your hand?”
“Aye, I were in a duel with me ol’ nemesis, and lost me hand in the struggle.”
The bartender is shocked, and continues by asking;
“Is that a real pegleg?”
“Aye, tis. I was out at sea, ‘nd our ship were fired upon. Lost me leg in the crossfire.”
The bartender couldnt believe it! A real pirate! So he asks him;
“How about your eyepatch? How did you get that?”
“Arr, I was just getting to shore, when a seagull pooped in me eye.”
“And you lost your eye from that?”
“No, I just still wasn’t used to the hook.”
2. Smartest guy in the plane
An airplane was about to crash.
There were 4 passengers on board, but only 3 parachutes.
The 1st passenger said “I am Stephen Curry, the best NBA basketball player. The Warriors and my millions of fans need me, and I can’t afford to die.” So he took the 1st pack and left the plane.
The 2nd passenger, Donald Trump, said, “I am the newly-elected US President, and I am the smartest President in American history, so my people don’t want me to die.” He took the 2nd pack and jumped out of the plane.
The 3rd passenger, the Pope, said to the 4th passenger, a 10-year-old schoolboy, “My son, I am old and don’t have many years left, you have more years ahead so I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute.”
The little boy said, “That’s okay, Your Holiness, there’s a parachute left for you.
America’s smartest President took my schoolbag.”
3. Who killed the chicken ?
Famous people answer the ubiquitous question, “Why did the chicken cross the road?”
TEACHER: To get to the other side.
PLATO: For the greater good.
ARISTOTLE: It is in the nature of chickens to cross roads.
SOCRATES: Why do you think the chicken crossed the road?
HIPPOCRATES: Because of an excess of phlegm in its pancreas.
KARL MARX: It was an historical inevitability.
MILES DAVIS: That chicken was a motherfucker.
EINSTEIN: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.
BUDDHA: Asking this question denies you, your own chicken nature.
RALPH WALDO EMERSON: The chicken did not cross the road. It
CHARLES DICKENS: It was a far, far better road that he crossed than he had ever crossed before…
WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE: But soft, what bird on yonder asphalt trots?
DARWIN: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically disposed to cross roads.
DARWIN’S NEPHEW: Which came first, the chicken or the road?
BILL GATES: I have just released the new Chicken Office 2020, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook.
OLIVER STONE: The question is not, “Why did the chicken cross the road?” Rather, it is, “Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?”
FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity. You see, to you the road represents the barrier between what is and what might be. What is…is you in front of the computer screen, practicing celibacy, peering into your mother’s womb, wishing to be suckled at her breast (in this case, at the teats of internet knowledge and passive acceptance), hating the reflection in the screen that reminds you of your father, thinking how you life can never measure up… What might be, only the chicken knows, now that he has crossed…
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
BILL CLINTON: I feel that chicken’s pain as he struggles to make the decision whether or not to cross the road…
[MONICA LEWINSKY: The chicken’s pain isn’t the only thing he felt.]
BILL CLINTON’S REPLY: That depends on how you define “chicken.”
DAVID COPPERFIELD: I made the chicken disappear and reappear on the other side.
ACCENTURE CONSULTING: Deregulation of the chicken’s side of the road was threatening its dominant market position. The chicken was faced with significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the newly competitive market. Accenture Consulting, in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and implementation processes. Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM), Accenture helped the chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge, capital and experiences to align the chicken’s people, processes and technology in support of its overall strategy within a Program Management framework. Accenture Consulting convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and best chickens along with Accenture’s consultants with deep skills in the transportation industry to engage in a two-day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to synergize with each other in order to achieve the implicit goals of delivering and successfully architecture and implement an enterprise-wide value framework across the continuum of poultry cross-median processes. The meeting was held in a park-like setting, enabling and creating an impactful environment which was strategically based, industry-focused, and built upon a consistent, clear, and unified market message and aligned with the chicken’s mission, vision, and core values. This was conducive towards the creation of a total business integration solution. Accenture Consulting helped the chicken to become more successful.
MICHAEL SCHUMACHER: (Splat!) Oh, sorry. Was that a chicken?